Darkness Embraced Forums

I want to start a topic about the ebb and flow of awakening. This is not a topic for those that have found themselves without any doubt whatsoever about their vampyrism. They feel that they had one awakening and that was it and never had times where they wondered if it was a phase or in their head.

I’m sure there are those that had a ‘burning bush’ type awakening and knew forever and always that they knew what they were, but there are more I feel that their understanding came to deepen over time, stepping towards the acceptance and then something made them back away or doubt. More along the lines of an educational variety of awakening.

I do not see having doubts as a weakness or a bad thing. It is actually a time of reflection that can solidify my faith in things or myself and is an opportunity for growth. If I am unwilling to ask myself questions about my beliefs in myself and the world around me, I am “like a scientist that does not want to test his pet theory for fear it will be proven wrong” as s book I like to read speaks about.

Even the Author William James spoke about the spiritual experience in a way that really hit home to me. He said that we as people have varied spiritual experiences, and that at the time these things seem concrete and very real to us in all aspects, we simply do not doubt their validity or the effect they had on our lives. Yet, when we are farther from those times of revelation, we might wonder if they were wishful thinking or some hallucination that our soul created to make sense of the moment. He also mentioned that it was when we shared the experience of our awakenings with others that shared them, it was as if understanding that others like us had also felt sensed and experienced things as we had it made them more real to us.

I have to face the fact that we are for a large part, speaking of intangible things here. A need we feel for blood or energy, how we sense it, or take it in, and what we all as individuals believe that that means. There will be as many different questions and answers to these things as there are individuals.

As I have said before we do not have the market cornered on energy manipulation or empathy or many of the things that cause us to feel we are vampyric. So why wouldn’t I sometimes sit in quiet reflection and ask myself if possibly, just maybe there is some other condition or cause for my symptoms? Does it mean I’m crazy or delusional because I doubt or choose to wonder if maybe it’s something else? Does it mean I’m crazy or delusional to think I’m a vampyre? No. not at all. To me this means that I am walking unafraid in this world, brave enough to question things about myself and others and accept that maybe I don’t have every answer for myself after all. It allows me to have an open mind and be able to consider that I will increase my knowledge and experience as much or more in the next ten years as I have in the past ten.

How have you questioned along your path? Has it helped you to feel more convinced one way or the other?

  Very good subject to get the forum going.

  This is such a hard thing to answer.  Like you said, when we are farther away from revealing thought's we begin to wonder if we were right when we thought we may be one thing or another, I have felt this moreso then possibly ever after I took my hiatus from the community. But that may be a good thing, as it help's me rediscover the aspect's of vampyrism as though I was an outsider with a lot of ignornace, as I have always been uncertain if I was a modern vampyre.
  I will say that I have never forgotten about vampyre's and the thing's I've learned about them, and I always seem to return to the prospect of being vampyric in some way.
 
  I don't feel overly empathic like a psi. vampyre, I don't seem to have that strong psychic ability when I've done online test's or such, but I do feel like I have a sixth sense to some degree or another and get feeling's, impression's and so on that I can't completely explain, at best they feel like a stronger aspect of having common sense to thing's that are not really common sense if that makes sense. I'm not totally sure, but I can't recall feeling anything like a really strong craving or what is comparable to "vamping out", but there are some attribute's that make me think I should not totally denounce the possiblity of being vampyric.

  Lately though, I've been contemplating vampyrism as a form of spirituality or perhap's just a method of energy work, some propertie's being more natural but also being propertie's that other's may be able to learn or come intune with if they lack them, but I am not totally sure yet. However, I feel that with enough research and rexamining thing's and doing some reflection that maybe soon I will be able to give myself a more accurate answer of yes or no to being vampyric. But I think it will always be a subjective thing, probably a life long journey of discovering, which isn't so bad because it give's room to grow.

There a lot that I understand but even more that I do not.  Often I question the very fiber of my being, just having within a year experienced the awakening.  For the longest time and even now I do question my sanity whether this is something in my head or not.  I feel very strongly that I am a vampire and by forcing myself to have withdraws has only strengthened my position. 

Have I always been this way, that is question I can not answer.  I don't believe so, but I have always been considered unusual.  Where I believe that it is perfectly normal a child to bite in defense others may not.  Not that I ever felt deprived of energy as a child that I recall.  Even the date of my awakening is in questioning to me because I have lots of friends who cut themselves often and would let me drink their blood.  They thought it was cool maybe, that it set apart beyond even the people who just cut themselves and that is implying a lot.  I have always liked blood, the way it tastes and feels going down, but does that mean I have been a vampire longer than I am aware of.  I think the actual date or an awakening isn't something I am very concerned with, nor the title or label of vampire.  Does it make me feel better that others share the same experience with me, most certainly yes. 

I do think that this is, being a vampire, part of spirituality.  It is part of who we are.  Part of the self discovery we all must encompass to truly move forward in life. 

Yesterday, Thursday, while at the dentist, I felt that some of my energy left me and returned. I felt like I could be a vampire, but I don't know.

Doubts are my life. I doubt everything, and it's a nasty habit. But I feel very committed to stick to my beliefs on this subject because it's the only valid explanation I've received thus far.
Don't we have an awakening for everything? Like the discovery that you like a certain thing, or is that just another word for a phase.
Am I making any sense?  :-\

I think of any awakening as a realization that something in my life has changed and has had such an impact that I can't possibly ever go back to viewing the world the way I did before the change occurred.   Sometimes awakenings can be happy occasions and other times it can be quite painful.

I have only very recently come to think that I might be a vampire and also realizing that I had been suppressing it for many years, mostly due to being unaware of the possibility and so I was trying to define myself as something else.    I am still coming to terms with the idea but at the same time it does feel like a weight has been lifted, the world seems lighter if only because this explanation makes so much more sense considering what the past fifteen years of my life have been like.

It is an awakening since I don't view the world the way I did a few months ago  when it first occurred to me that I might feel the way I do because I need energy.    Right now I feel like I have so much to learn about this and about myself, I feel as though I am awakening a bit more each day.

I can relate a lot with Erych. I have just over a year of experience and I must say that it's not been easy. Doubts come and go continuously. I myself have never forgotten anything I've learned and the prospect of being a vampyre has never left me.

For me, it just takes a lot of patience and willingness to continue learning.

I can totally identify with this....in my case, a lot of my wondering is because I can see dual reasons for everything, like having been pagan for years, I've done a lot of energy work and psychic work of various types, so am I good with that kind of thing from that or from being a psivampire?  I have had a stronger talent for empathy (and psychometry, for that matter) from the start, but everyone has some natural talents more than others.  So I ask myself things like, does absorbing energy from a source (whatever that source may be) make me feel so much better because I need it, or because gaining energy tends to make a person feel better?  (Unless they're already hyper, but if I was hyper I wouldn't be trying to draw energy anyway...lol)  And from there, do I need the energy because I'm tired?  Worn out?  Deficient from being vampiric?  Out of shape?  I can think of so many reasons!  lol! 

So I'm doing a lot of reading, trying to decide if I really am vampiric, or just think I am, and a part of me may always wonder, but like was said earlier, wondering keeps you on your toes!  :)

There have been many times in which I've questioned my awakening and condition. There are two reasons for this. A genuine concern that maybe I was wrong, and hoping I was wrong. At first there was the general questioning that perhaps I had mistaken and everything that happened to me was just coincidence. But when all the questioning was over I realized that what was happening was very real for me, I started to force myself into more of a denial phase.

For a long time after awakening I wasn't very content with the fact that if I was right it meant that I would have to do what I have to do for the rest of my life. Which meant I'd have to go through all the hassles that come with it. I would think of every other possibility I could. It's all coincidence, I'm just crazy, I just want to feel special, it's a phase, perhaps it's a physical condition that makes me feel this way, etc... When I ran out of of other possibilities doubts and denials I knew that there was no other option but to accept it learn more and get on with my life.

Now that I've learned more about vampirism and how it affects me there's no way I could doubt myself or go back to denial. There's no turning back for me and now and I wouldn't want to.  :)

" To me this means that I am walking unafraid in this world, brave enough to question things about myself and others and accept that maybe I don’t have every answer for myself after all." 

These are words that anybody can live by, no matter what walk of life they are on.  I have to say that it is sometimes hard to deal with doubt in your choice of lifestyle and the lifestyle that have choosen you.  I'm new to the community and the doubt and the shyness and the whole "new" part about this has really gotten to me in the past. 

  Awakening has been a journey of discovery of who I am. For years I thought possibly there was something wrong with me physically and mentally. My lifestyle was one that I would not wish on any person. There was never any balance, from one extreme to another, no middle ground. I always questioned and questioned these conditions which my Psyche and physical body had drawn me too. Then over a long period of time pieces of the puzzle was starting to fit together and slowly balance started to set in, as I learned about  my vampyric condition. You know that saying oh what a relief it is..But do I still have doubts, sure I do, will I ever be fully awakened, I don't know? It makes me so thankful to all the people in vampire and Otherkin communities, who help me understand this journey. Thank you LadyBlak...

Are you psi or sang? Do you have any advice for someone trying to learn about themself(me)?

For me finding this part of me was almost completely different than when I found my inner wolf. I had always known I was a wolf somehow and simply accepted it right away. However, with being a psivampire the experience was a bit different. Again, I've somehow always known this in a way but didn't come to accept it until just a few days ago when I finally admitted to this in my livejournal. I was somehow ashamed of this even though there are so many others just like myself. I think it had something to do with seeing others talk about psivampires and being drained by them either unintentionally or on purpose and being hurt by this. So it put me off, I didn't want to admit anything until one day I decided to ask for information on psivampires in a LJ community. One of the links I was given was to this site. I fell in love with it right away and began to realize, that no, I'm not a horrible person and I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am inside. It's been a learning experience for me and I still have so much more to learn.

This strikes very deep with me.

Years ago when I initially awakened I had never heard of the terms sanguine/psychic vampyrism. It was easy to pass off what I was feeling to a variety of other reasons. But as time would go on and traditional medical testing was not identfying any reason for my problems, I began to search for other answers. After a terrible year of illness, being overwhelmed with the world around me and  being deprived of energy I was finally introduced to modern vampyrism.

There was no ah-ha! moment... there was cautious exploration of the possibility. And though I actively experimented with ambient feeding techniques (which lo and behold seemed to "cure" my mystery symptoms), I still could not accept that this could be true for me.
I thought perhaps my illness decided to leave me all by itself. I doubted myself greatly. Maybe I was just overly imaginative in how I saw the world. Maybe it was just all in my head.

It's been a very slow, long process of acceptance. One which I am still on!
What helps most I think is hearing about other people going through similar experiences. Though we can only decide for ourselves what is true or not, it somehow helps to validate our own feelings. Yes, it does make it seem more real.

I think its very healthy for each of us to take a step back from time to time and really examine our experiences and feelings, to see that we are on a path that is authentic to who we are.

Nearly every day I live,  I question my "Vampyrism".  I have even seen alleged friends depart from my "friendship" because they couldn't accept my views and conclusions; regardless of how metaphysical and erudite I explain the concept.
Have I had moments of personal doubt wherein I lost "my faith"?  Yes, many moments.  And then I find myself "line of sight" psyphoning someone or telepathically tuning in and psyphoning from them.  Or I witness someone bleed from a small injury and see myself lapse into a daze of lusty craving and longing.

Wasn't it Seal who sang the song "Dreaming in Metaphors"?

...
Seal
» Dreaming In Metaphors

"Love serenade,
Soothe me with the morning sun.
Help me find someone,
Peaceful and non-judgemental.
Holdin' me back,
And make me feel whole with life.
And stay the same.
Life.
Without the pain.
Why must we dream in metaphors?
Try to hold on to something we couldn't understand.
Couldn't understand.
And why must we argue loudly?
When peace is our one salvation.
I couldn't understand
Couldn't understand
Yeah..."
 

Hi, on the question of awakening (as per knowing you are different) I knew that since as fare as I can remember thinking!

I have the chance to be able to remember thought as far as when I was 3 or 4, and my way of thinking didn't change, still the same, I do not remember thinking as a "child" and I bet nobody does ever!

My thought always have been structured enough to convoy deep thought, and again I think hat it is true for every body, the only difference is that I do remember and other do not!

Since far as I can remember I had a unique goal, is to get free of the mortal coil, I always thought my body is a prison, that my soul ( me!) is longing to get free, without physical attachment!

So I always been aware that I 'm completely different from others, that my difference predispose me to ask question about the how, and what and when of the universe around me, that therefore I can be described as being awaken!

I 'm not a vampire per say, I am perfectly able to suck energy, but a morale dilemma stop me to do such thing!  I do not lack energy, but sucking it will definitely present enormous advantage, enough to create some kind of real dilemma!

Should I do it or not, but to this day the morality of it still stop me for doing it!

If I decided to feed, I will be psi vampire,  I 'm completely put off by drinking blood of my own spicy, I see it as somehow very wrong, and I fears to tint my soul and becoming something else that I do not want! (not necessarily bad) I however do not doubt the potency of human blood,

Anyway, for  me awakening was also a long processes of acceptance's, somehow, not the fact of it but the ability gained.

Because of being awake, I can see more clearly the world around me, that make me sharp, more intelligent somehow,  that is a fact!

Confronted with problem, urgency, I raise above my fellow "sleeper",  I have many example ready to mind!

I'm a very very strong empath, but it was a very hard to get where I was, I always was strong , but acceptance of it make it more useful, and cause many turmoil!

Long study, and many religious, mystical experience teach me  and increased that sensitivity, developed other ability, Mundane one,  or some that I think are in the realm of the SUR-natural. That or I'm totally deluded, completely and irrevocably nuts, freaking crazy, totally insane!

And that is the self doubt you spook about, cause I still think sometime

"That it can't be true, that I should be interned in an institution, that all my experience somehow perverted or corrupted my mind, or completely blocked it, that maybe I'm living in a dream world, and maybe that is all an illusion, or maybe I'm in coma dreaming it all up) or maybe I'm insane and doesn't' think rationally!"

I'm sure you catch the drift!

And it is a part of the process, to doubt my perceptions and really look at the truth instead of taking it for granted!

I think that if someone doesn't doubt is sanity, then he is crazy!


Hope this help. it definitely help me! So thanks for the opportunity to split it out!

Yuki, the mind is a very mysterious thing, and yes, it can manipulate you into thinking that something is truly real. Dreams can manifest feelings that seem real and can be misinterpreted. Past life regression can be very tricky as well. It's never cut and dry.

Craving blood a vampire does not make. If all of this is genuine, you should really think about seeing a physician to make sure there isn't something else serious going on. Many of these things could be symptoms that your body is trying to warn you about. Once you have exhausted all medical possibilities and explanations should you then, and only then, look at other avenues such as vampirism. It is also possible that you have a blood fetish.

In any case, here are some articles on real life vampirism, and medical situations that cause people to crave blood. You said you were seeking all over the internet for answers, I believe these will assist you.

celiac syndrome  (http://www.necronomi.com/users/akrieytaz/real/celiac.html) - One disease which perhaps can cause a desire to drink blood, at least in some people, is celiac syndrome. Furthermore, in extreme cases, it may cause an inability to consume anything except blood -- which is not true of most real-life vampires (in the sense of people with a craving for blood). Most vampires can eat normal food, too, with no problem.

Diseases relevant to sanguinarians and psychic vampires (http://www.necronomi.com/users/akrieytaz/real/disease.html) -The following diseases either (1) can give rise to vampirelike symptoms or (2) seem to be common among real-life vampires. Note: I am not claiming that any of these diseases are the cause of real-life vampirism, or that people who have these diseases are vampires. Nor am I claiming they are the real-life inspiration behind the vampire legend (which probably was inspired by a different kind of disease entirely: deadly contagious diseases like TB and the bubonic plague).

On coping with the less comfortable times of blood famine (http://www.necronomi.com/users/akrieytaz/real/bbcfamine.html)

Why A Sanguinarian? (http://web.archive.org/web/20011031204137/www.geocities.com/Area51/Labyrinth/8793/whyvamp1.htm)

Awakening (http://web.archive.org/web/20020416150649/www.geocities.com/Area51/Labyrinth/8793/awake.htm) - The realization that what you are isn't what you thought you were. A change of state without a change of form. Like awakening from sleep, it is the process of a new consiousness arising. For sanguinarians, this is the realization that you need blood to live. It can be either triggered or spontanious. Here, I will try to explain what will change from pre to post-awakening, and also what will not change.

Problems Vampires Have  (http://www.sanguinarius.org/problems-01.shtml)